What can you do for me

[babyoo]

You want to keep that.”Meme of the weekRobot Wars’ Jonathan Pearce versus goalline technology.Plus: question of the weekModel Andressa Urach – a former Miss Bumbum pageant runner-up – appearing in Portuguese bodypaint and trying to infiltrate their training camp. “Security was rude and ejected me. They say I bother Cristiano. What happened to freedom of speech?”That the race to fifa 15 coins host the FIFA was a chaotic, confusing, controversial mess is beyond dispute.The dual process, imposed ostensibly for commercial reasons but also because it suited Sepp Blatter’s political ends, was an invitation to collusion and alleged corruption.Bidders were encouraged to cosy up to the 24 executive committee members, their associations and confederations who would – in the words of the disgraced former Brazilian FIFA federation chief Ricardo Teixeira to the former FIFA Association chairman Lord Triesman – ask: “What can you do for me?”There were hardly any rules. Those that existed were changed halfway through. A technical evaluation process was commissioned then almost entirely ignored. A swarm of middle men, advisers and consultants descended on it looking for their cut.Two of the 24 voters didn’t even make it into the room because they were caught breaching bribery and loyalty/confidentiality rules respectively.Of those that did, almost half would depart in the next two years – many with corruption allegations dating back decades trailing in their wake.The allegations of greed and venality of men such as Jack Warner, Chuck Blazer, Teixeira and Nicolas Leoz does not need recounting here. Some of their demands were comical – Triesman alleged that Leoz asked for a peerage and Warner wanted money to buy TV rights on behalf of Haiti – and others deeply concerning.As well documented by Andrew Jennings and others, the former sports marketing giant ISL alone paid out $100m in “commissions” in 174 separate payments to sports executives, mostly from FIFA, over the course of nearly a decade before going bust in 2001.David Goldblatt makes the incisive point in his new book Futebol Nation that the Brazilian style introduced to FIFA by Havelange – Blatter’s predecessor and mentor – has characterised its dealings ever since, albeit with progressively less charm. It is one that relies on patronage and payments, mixing personal, political and commercial interests until they are virtually indistinguishable.All this history, now so familiar it goes almost unremarked, is recounted to put the continuing investigation by Michael Garcia into the bids into some sort of context. None of Africa’s representatives are included either, but South Africa is. Just like Sweden, Bulgaria, Hungary, Poland, Austria and Turkey are. None of whom are here.And did no one at FIFA notice the Berlin Wall falling? Or maybe they were caught out by recent news. It has only been a quarter of a century, after all.FIFA’s official T-shirt makers have managed to include Croatia … and Yugoslavia. Then there’s Czechoslovakia. And who’s this? Oh, look, it’s the Soviet Union. Well done, Sepp. It has emerged that the countries featured on the T-shirt are the FIFA hosts and semi-finalists since the tournament’s inception. Costa Rica’s Bryan Ruiz – sent England home with the goal that beat Italy, then let it all out: “People didn’t believe in us, said this was the Group of Death. Now the others are dead.”Party of the weekChile fans in Santiago “losing their grip”, say local media, after seeing their side beat Spain – leading to fires, 300 city buses damaged and six reported stolen. Shares in Chile’s biggest brewery rose 3%.Most inventive exitAlex Song’s playground elbow chop, earning Cameroon’s eighth all-time FIFA red card. His cousin Rigobert picked up two of the others. “I’m sad. I wish I could take it back.”Row of the weekDiego Maradona accusing FIFA of barring him from entering the Maracana to watch Argentina after he used his daily TV show to mock Sepp Blatter. FIFA: “We’re not aware of this. Perhaps he tried the wrong door.”Best grudgeTahiti’s FA – still not totally over their 10-0 defeat to Spain last year – reacting to last week’s events by tweeting an image of the Titanic going down, painted in Spain’s colours. @TahitiFIFA: “Titanic. We like this movie, and you? :)” They later brushed off a complaint from a Spain fan: “Don’t cry kid, it’s a joke…”England’s consolationThe ratings: ITV pulling in an average 17.9m viewers for the Uruguay FIFA game, a 2014 high – 6m more than Britain’s Got Talent in April.Souvenir of the weekSardine cans filled with air from each host city, on sale for 3 at 55 shops across Brazil. Entrepreneur Alessandro Catenaci: “The idea is not to open the can, because then you’ll lose the air.